1. Fourth of July
This is a no-brainer. Send me a wedding invitation for the 4th of July and I’ll send you back a copy of the Declaration of Independence with the part where it says “Don’t you dare ever get married on the 4th of July. Do you think you’re bigger than America? You want to wear white on Lady Liberty’s special day?
2. Opening Weekend March Madness
This one isn’t even really me demanding “don’t have your wedding on March Madness weekend,” it’s more being a pal to the bride and letting her know, “If you have your wedding on March Madness weekend it will stink. Every guy there will care so little about you and your happiness. They’ll be running back and forth to hotel rooms/the bar to watch, they’ll have their heads buried in their phones for scores, some will pout because they lost, others will scream randomly because they won. Your wedding will stink for everyone, but most of all you. You’re second fiddle at your own wedding. Way worse than your mother in law showing up in white.”
3. College Football conference championship weekend. Basically any late November weekend until football is over.
This is a tough one because I don’t even recognize weddings that aren’t between May-October. I’m trying to show up decked out and looking hot, not bundled up for Killington. I want sunset pictures for the Gram and to dance under a tent, not your snowy wedding. But, if you must have one, this is the big weekend to skip. You don’t have to worry about ruining the CFB Playoff because the schedulers already did that by putting it on New Years and the Championship is on a Monday. I’m sure in the south there are other weekends that are more important to specific teams, but if we’re looking at the national as a whole, I think it’s gotta be Conference championship.
Also I’m not even going to address things like the NFL or Super Bowl because I outright refuse to acknowledge Sunday weddings. Even Fridays!. Get married on a Saturday between late spring and early fall, like the Bible says to.
4. Kentucky Derby Weekend
To be honest I keep wanting to move this one higher. I started with it at 5 and I still want to move it up more. The Derby Saturday is AWESOME. Start drinking early in the morning, get hammered while dressed fancy, gamble a bit, then you’ve also got NHL and NBA playoffs on all day and night. Wall to wall, intense sports and a variety of them to choose from. It’s one of the better all around sports days of the year.
5. Memorial Day Weekend
Ruining any long weekend with love is pretty messed up, but especially when it’s the first nice long weekend of the year. If I’m off until Tuesday then that means I want to be sitting in a chair, drinking beer until Tuesday. I don’t want to travel, get dressed up, meet people I don’t know, and all the nonsense that goes along with a wedding while I’m on vacation.
If you’re planning a wedding print this out and staple it to your forehead, you don’t want your wedding gift to your husband to be that he has to have a million “I knowwwww… I know, it’s a crappy weekend but that’s when she really wanted it,” with his friends. That’s what your wedding present is supposed to be. Anal.